distancing yourself from stepchildren

I agree with you 12345, when you marry, you don't just marry the person you marry the family, you can't generalize these things everyone's circumstances are different. When I met and married my husband, he was estranged from his children and according to him it was all the ex-wifes doing. He was a loving dad, his kids adored him, but the wicked mother had made these adults feel guilty if they had a relationship with their dad.

Such a sad situation for this loving, caring family man. I married, the man, and I married the fantasy of what his family were like. I think it would be fair to say, if this has happened to me, then it would have happened to others. But, what they all wanted was for me to get out of their father's life and then he could get back to giving them his pay packet.

Despite me working full time, they think everything is their fathers, nothing belongs to me, and in the end, anything we have will go to them and nothing to my 3 kids. These precious children who loved him dearly that I was told about, never existed, and he is certainly not the father he claimed to be. The problems most people are complaining about are the lack of support for the wife by their husbands and fathers of these brats with over inflated senses of entitlement. We are not raising these people they have already been raised and it would appear in most cases by a mum and dad who have done an appalling job. U talk good sense when u say adult step children who become step children when a man and woman marry, it is best to not insert yourself into a relationship or family life style with them. I have several adult step children and I have been generous with them, but for the most part I do not ever insert myself into any trips or holidays my husband has with them.

Adult children have parents, and they r adults which means they will only choose apart from work those people they want in their lives, same as us same as anyone. Depending on the maturity levels of adult children a step parent can also be set up for taking advantage of and being used if they force themselves into an adult child's life. Over all the decision to marry a person with adult children should be more of a weighty consideration than say a man with no or small children. There r no rewards for step parents and typically in the end of life of a marriage the step parents with the most step kids looses more than the one with less, this includes death.

I have seen widows loose their home to step children who believe even her part of the home is somehow theirs for the right of a deceased father. I have almost never seen a step child step parent relationship end in sweetness such is life. I have 3 stepchildren with emotional issues and behavioral issues.

If you ask me…at least one has a personality disorder. Their mother and grandmother are very controlling people. These kids have been kept under lock and key and not allowed to be kids. I tried for 3 full years to help them, schedule play dates, teach them how to swim, buy them nice school clothes so they can feel good about themselves.

After 3 years, these kids are no better than they were and not acclimated to my home they way I thought they would. My husband and his ex share 50/50 but my husband works a lot and his ex just doesn't want the kids if it's not "her day". She only works part time from home but was a stay at home mom during the marriage. I work 40hpw but in healthcare so I have a day off during the week which I always have them.

I've been struggling with them so much and crying all the time. 8 hours straight of glares, stomping, door slamming, crying… Mind you these kids are 13,11, and 8. But emotionally and socially…about 9, 6 and 4. Nevermind that my own children are being neglected due to the fact that his kids require constant care and supervision. I finally told my husband that he needs to stop giving his ex a choice.

She's their mother and the primary custodian. It's her responsibility to care for them. Finally, he did call her and she wasn't happy but agreed that with all the issues the kids are having maybe it is best that mom and dad handle them. The next day , she promptly took the kids to her mom's house and left them there instead. I was glad to get the day without them but then I was consumed by guilt.

I did a lot of soul searching that day and decided that I did the right thing. These kids have a mom, they have a dad, and I need to just back off and let the two of them handle however they need to. It's really not my business or my problem. I need to just focus on being a great mom to my own 2 children. She'd very much enjoyed being an only child at our house and angrily stated that we should've consulted her before doing that.

My husband had often opined that he would like more children once he had a partner to really share the experience. Her reaction had all the hallmarks of jealousy, but it all came crashing down on me. I stopped buying her birthday gifts and cakes, taking care of her nasty smelling clothing, running her forgotten items back and forth, and deleted the school app on my phone. I know all of my neighbors and her friend's parents probably thought I just got too busy with the baby, but it was a conscious decision. The idea was that my husband would have to step up. He tried, but his communication with her mother is so bad; he doesn't know about anything that's going on.

And now she no longer comes to our home except to grab things from the storage unit and relies on a boyfriend to get her around. Ironically, she seems to like him because he lets her push him around. It's not better, and it upsets me just as much as it did when she was being nasty to me all the time, because my husband and son are the ones who suffer.

I was hoping today to find a path to a happy medium, or maybe just some support in maintaining a disengagement. The truth is I never did as much for her as I would have for my own child, or even for my nieces and nephews. And I was occasionally even ashamed of my quickness to deny her as my own. Now I'm at the point of suggesting no one marry someone with kids, ever, because there will never be a good solution. I hope my pessimism on this will not seep into the other parts of my life. You have so described what I have been dealing with for 22 years!

My personal take is that both bio parents are the key to the success or failure of the stepfamily. The bio mom needs to give the children permission in a sense to love and accept the stepmom, same with bio da towards stepdad. Then both bio parents need to accept and support any call that stepmom or stepdad makes so there is not the running back and forth with hurt feelings that get suported when they should not.

A bio parent can understand the child while lending support to the step parent. I'm at a difficult and emotional empasse in my marriage. I have no children of my own and have been with my wife for 5 years.

Her son is a compulsive liar who thinks saying "I didn't know" or "you never said that" absolves him of all accountability. Since earning amazing grades in junior high, he took all the praise for being a smart kid and turned it into he knows everything and doesn't even try at school anymore. He is failing as a freshman in high school and we've already been told he may be held back.

Any time I try to encourage the same good study habits and work ethic his mom enforces when she is home, he refuses to leave his bed, sleeps all day, and consistently calls me a liar. He lies about having his chores done if we're checking in from work. He lies about what his mother allows him to do.

Bottom line is he lives in a fantasy land. He had a therapist when he was younger but convinced his mom he no longer needed to go despite having multiple defiant outbursts since, one where he even tried to get a kitchen knife and threatened us. Of course my wife and I have marital issues because I have to constantly be on my toes with this kid and cannot focus on the things I need to be doing for myself and my marriage.

My anxiety is through the roof and I have woken up in the middle of the night to him standing over me as I slept. He bumps into me on purpose like a man-check in a bar when his mom isn't looking. Relationships are hard work and my wife and I have had far from a perfect marriage. But this kid is the only reason I would ever agree to mutually part ways or initiate the process myself. I have often told my wife that if she wants to move on I wouldn't fight it but that I would not initiate the process. I have not told her how I feel about her son and we keep trying to work on our marriage, but every time he lies and manipulates, it pushes me closer to leaving.

Not because I do not love my wife, but bluntly because of him. I also have a step daughter, and while she may not be perfect or always the best behaved, her behavior doesn't hold a candle to his and we often enjoy laughing together. People in public often mistake her for my bio kid. She talks to me about some things before she share them with her mother. I feel like leaving her and her mother because of the boy would be wrong, but lately I feel it is the only thing that will save my own sanity in the end. I'm at this point in my relationship with my husband and stepson.

My husband has physical custody of his son and we have always lived by family so even when my husband was at work if the kid wasn't in school there was someone else around to help out with him. I took on most of the "mom" responsibility of this kid and now 6 years later I completely wish I did not do this! My husband does not believe that I am "allowed" to step back without getting divorced bc he feels a stepmom is a mom and should love their stepchildren.

My stepson is a nightmare to me… he refers to me as she not by my name… hes 11 years old and has temper tantrums still… cries at the drop of the dime and really makes our lives a living hell. I had 2 babies recently one in March 2019 and one March 2020. I am consumed in my children as they are babies and feel I can't continue to be the responsible one for my stepson.

When I tell you he makes my life a living hell I seriously mean it. I'm petrified my 1 year old son is going to have anxiety from watching his older brother scream cry and throw temper tantrums all the time. It literally makes me want to throw up at the thought.

My husband will not budge on the visitation schedule and he will not let him go back to his mothers house bc he says his son wants to be here with him, but he's working!!!! I have been trying this for almost a year now with my stepchildren. After almost 10 years of feeling like I am constantly the bad guy. Between the 2 of us we have 7 children and 3 of his live with us full time. I have always tried to be a good step parent to them and never wanted to replace their BM, however much i think she's a horrible role model for them.

My husband is too busy I feel, trying to be their buddy and not a dad. The amount of disrespect I get from things like language, poor grades, laziness and no enforced curfew with no correction from their father EVER makes me crazy! I have been in their lives and gone to every sport, school, extracurricular activity theyve been in and been their biggest cheerleader when their own mother doesn't. All I am is a cook, maid, taxi and ATM to them. My bio kids have never treated my husband that way and I would never allow it.

He allows it from his kids towards me and buries his head in the sand even if it happens right in front of him. I'm at my wits end with all of it and I am so glad I came across this article and now i know i am not the only one struggling with this. I have been back n forth about deciding whether to walk away or not. I always thought it may be easier as the kids got older but it is not. Our parenting styles are much different and i dont want to have any part of how they end up as adults.

When i try to disengage i get a guilt trip from everyone. I am not sure what else to do at this point. I am currently in the process of disengaging and it is difficult on me and our relationships. My stepdaughter is 12, I have been in her life since she was 3. My husband and I have three of our own kids now too, and I don't like my stepdaughters bad influences on them.

Both mom and dad dropped the ball on parenting and I was left to do everything and be the bad guy all of the time. My stepdaughter has ADHD, anxiety and mood disorders and I was the only one trying to help with the therapists recommendations and without any help. Dad is afraid of making his daughters mom mad because she likes to fly off the handle- so he would not even ask her to help bring her to her many medical appointments. I am hoping my stepdaughter will now get the help she needs to deal with her emotional issues, otherwise I don't know if my marriage can make it through this. I have felt so overwhelmed lately, I am currently 4 months pregnant, bio mom to a 6 and 4 year old, and step-mom/mom to an 11 year old boy. To say it has been difficult is an understatement.

My stepson and I used to be buddies and do everything together when he was younger before his brother and sister arrived. His bio moms mother raised him for the first 4 years of his life as my husband had recently discovered his sobriety and was getting back on his feet. I came into the picture after he had turned 4. I have major resentment towards my step son, his bio moms family and my husband. I am expected to mother and love him like I do his siblings and I try to but it's not the same.

I am met with animosity, stubbornness, vileness, hate and discord; at some points I think my stepson does things on purpose just so he can prove to everyone I am in fact the wicked step mother. I of course have to bow down because I am frequently reminded I am not his real mom but yet I'm expected to be at his every beck and call. I AM TIRED. I AM EXHAUSTED. At times I cannot allow myself to love him, let alone like him. I never thought that this would be this HARD every single day. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of doing everything for this child and I am treated awful.